I’m
back! More on my blogging hiatus later – maybe.
WARNING:
this is long. and sad.
Elsie’s
second birthday was, to date, the absolute worst day of my life. I spent the
day trying to be happy and celebrate the life of my baby, all while being
completely devastated over the loss of another baby. Our beloved dog B, aka Big
Mama, went to doggie heaven Tuesday night – it was completely unexpected and all too sudden.
People
are asking what happened, and I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. So I’ll tell
everyone on here instead.
B
and I went full circle in our relationship. I loved her from the day I met her.
In Kennesaw, I often got long lunch breaks and I would spend them at Ben’s
house, napping with B. We were the best of buddies until shortly after Elsie’s
birth. She had a hard time adjusting, and developed a mass cell tumor on her
ear. She wouldn't listen, she acted out, she had accidents in the house, and
she was pretty much unbearable. We've since learned that the tumor most likely released toxins into her body, which is what caused her to be so crazy. In turn, I was crazy too. Hormonal exhausted
Momma and a naughty dog – I wanted her gone. It took a while to save the money
for the procedure, and during that time I did a lot of complaining about B. I didn't make it easy on Ben at all.
We
finally got her all fixed up, and she settled into her new role as big sister –
she became another Momma to Elsie, so much so we started calling her Big Mama.
We were best friends again. We even
worked out our sleeping arrangement which meant Ben, most often, spent the
night in the guest bed to accommodate B and I snuggling in our bed. I’m so
thankful we made up and got back to normal. Better than normal. B loved me more
than anyone in the house, and she was crazy protective of Mom and little
sister. I can’t put into words how happy I am that our relationship came around
and was better than ever. I know the big sister transition was hard on her and
I truly did everything in my power to make sure she knew she was loved. I’m so
glad I did. I now realize just how much of my day I spent giving her attention
and loving on her.
Everything
was perfect with B until shortly after Christmas. I noticed blood in her urine.
Thank God for snow, I would've never known anything was wrong. She spent 4
weeks on antibiotics for a bladder infection. Everything was good again. Until
around this time last week. I noticed she was a little mopey and lazy, and I
thought she just needed a little extra loving, which I gladly gave her. I also
thought maybe she was just cooped up, we all are. It’s a long winter. Monday
morning I noticed more blood. Tuesday morning I dropped her off at the vet with
the assumption we would send off a urine sample to determine the correct meds. She
spent all day at the vet, and they found that the problem most likely wasn't her bladder.
Around 6:00 I went in to talk with the vet
about what she’d found. It may be
cancer. She wanted to do a full ultrasound so get a better look, and said we
would have to come back around 8 to transport B to the emergency clinic for the
night. Then, we’d get test results in the morning and determine a course of
action. B had started bleeding internally; it’s most likely that during the
exams something ruptured that caused the bleeding. We had hopes it would fix
itself. Best case it wasn't cancer and there was a surgical procedure that
could get her fixed up in the morning.
We
went to hang out at Ben’s parents’ house and wait. They were nice enough to
help with Elsie so we could go back and transport her to the ER vet alone.
There, I got a call from the vet. The ultrasound showed a lot of masses and
fluid, I mean a lot. So much so that she couldn't even find B’s kidneys.
There’s no way this wasn't cancer. It had rapidly spread and taken over all her
insides. With the cancer alone, she would've had a few more days or weeks to live. However, the internal bleeding has worsened and B was very weak and pale.
Most likely, she wouldn't have lived through the night. The whole way to the
vet Ben and I both knew what we’d have to do, but didn't say it out loud.
When
we got there, the vet carried B into the room and she was happy to see us, but
she was so weak and pale that she just wasn't there. After seeing her, I know
for certain she wouldn't have made it through the night. My heart completely
shattered as Ben and I loved on her and said our goodbyes. We made our decision;
B had to go to doggie heaven that night. I gave Ben a minute alone with her and
talked to the vet. She then agreed that B wouldn't have made it over night. I
think she just didn't want to influence our decision. Saying goodbye to B was
the hardest thing I've ever done. We love her so dearly, and like all our animals she’s a child to us. I know in my heart she knew what was happening,
and she knew it was her time. She couldn't have gone out in a more peaceful
way. She was in my lap with her head on my chest, frequent snuggle position and her favorite place to be,
while Ben and I pet her and told her we loved her. She went with love and dignity
and I know for certain we did what was best for her. I can’t imagine the pain
she’d been in. Just a few days before she was playing fetch with Elsie in the
house. It must’ve taken a lot of strength for her to play with her baby sister,
but I know she wouldn't have had it any other way.
It’s
been so hard. I didn't sleep at all that night. I’m used to having her in the
bed with me. The next day, Elsie’s birthday, was very emotional. Letting out
one dog instead of two, seeing two dog bowls, her empty spot on the couch,
trying to take a nap in an empty bed, and the quiet, quiet house – it was just
too much. I cried all day. Then Ben got home and we cried together, more than
once. I cried this morning when Elsie and I got home from school. Coming home
is hard – she always greets us at the door, tail wagging, and so excited I can
barely get into the house. For now, I think I am out of tears. Needless to say,
a big piece of our family is gone. I’m so happy she had such a good life, she
was loved. We already miss her terribly.
So...with
all that’s happened, I don’t think Elsie had a great birthday. Her best friend
is gone. No cake. No ice cream. No present, even. Ben and I were going to go pick up
one together and everything with B happened instead. Thank God she’s only two,
and she doesn't know her birthday from the 4th of July. We are having a birthday
re-do on Monday, Ben is taking off work and we will spend the day doing
something fun and celebrating our girl. My “birthday redo” post will be much
happier, I promise!
To Big Mama, thank you.
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til next time,
-LJ
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