Girlfriends, caffeine, yoga, whiskey sours, and a whole lotta Jesus...I made it.
Also, my husband. But, you know. While I'm busy being crazy, somebody's gotta pay the bills.
I've been fortunate in this journey in that I've found so many kindred spirits in my girlfriends. I'm beyond grateful for them, especially my special needs Mommy friends. The women who are new to the game, the seasoned pros who are a few life stages ahead of me, those who offer a coffee and a listening ear, those who provide a soulful hug and an "I get it." And that alone can calm you down, because you know the DO get it. In one way of another, I have a lot of amazing women helping me raise my daughter.
All of the seasoned pros have offered the same advice: It will get better. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it will. Trust me. Stop worrying about everything and just survive. One day, you'll have your life back. For now, just do what you gotta do to get through the day. Just survive.
Approximately one second after E's diagnosis. Life turned into complete chaos. It was already chaos, but it became complete chaos x ten million. All the expected reasons: therapy, waitlists, testing, more testing, waitlist for the test for testing, IEPs, special preschool classes, getting kicked out of daycare, why can't I find a babysitter that can handle her? Why is my "affordable healthcare" so unaffordable? What the hell am I supposed to do with this tiny human? She's out of control, bouncing off the walls, and only seeks comfort via me. Only Mommy. Me! Why me? I have no idea what I'm doing. Help me out here, kid. I'm freaking out, too! Not a lot of Moms like to talk about the crappy stuff. The emotional toll it takes on Mommy. Me included. But you know what? I made it. Just survive.
“Just survive” isn't quite as easy as it sounds. What it really means is: keep your kid alive, do the work, do the hard stuff, pour every ounce of your soul into your child, drink an unhealthy amount of coffee and try to sneak a snack when she's not looking. While "just surviving," you somehow have to find a spare second to process all of your own crazy emotions.
For me, and most others, there is a long process of working through everything that was supposed to be. Anger, resentment, excruciating pain, tears and grief for not only the life my child was "supposed to have," but the life I've always dreamed of. The life I signed up for. "My plan."
I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I am. But, I was supposed to be a super legit stay at home Mom. Like, the kind that personalizes goodie bags for every birthday party attendee. The one whose house looks like a Country Living magazine cover. Who never looks frazzled, haggard, sweaty and out of breath. Who makes it look so easy and oh, I don't know how you do it! A trophy wife. Like, a super legit rich trophy wife whose "real problems" are nothing other than oh my goodness. SO I went to the Nordie's to return something, and the line was so long. I had to wait for like, twenty minutes. And can you believe it? They couldn't even scan the receipt so they gave me store credit instead. Ugh. Poor me, I guess I'll just have to buy myself something shiny. Sighhh - said in Scarlett O'Hara-like dramatic exasperation. <eyeroll> I'm being overly dramatic. .
I was supposed to get up, tow my baby to the daycare at the gym where she happily plays with others. Then we'd hit up lunch with some girlfriends while she sweetly naps in her stroller. Then what? We’ll hit up Whole Foods bc Daddy will be home soon and we eat strictly paleo, organic, fair-trade foods.
Then he'd walk in the house to a completely ready, on the plate, thoughtfully & perfectly prepared dinner fit for a King. To be eaten only after he sits down for a few minutes so I can fetch a cold craft beer in a frosty mug. Why a craft beer? Bc we're f'king fancy, that's why.
Then, we’d spend the rest of the evening playing, giggling & gleefully reading books, cuddling and resting up for tomorrow. We have a busy day - you know, story time at the library, then a play date at the park, then we'll take a long cuddle nap and spend the rest of the day playing. Life was going to be such a dream. My plan. What I signed up for.
I've done it all. All the hard stuff. I've cried in department stores after running into a Mom/daughter combo having a meaningless conversation about shoes. I cried again after I bumped into them and learned our daughters are the exact same age. And mine couldn't even say her name.
I've cried over failed playdates and grocery store meltdowns. I've cried over rushing out of restaurants before getting our food.
I've cried tears of anger and frustration - for the both of us.
I've cried over our family going totally "Autism on a plane," when for a very short time my husband wasn't sure whether he wanted a divorce or a burial plot.
I've cried tears of worry she'll get bullied in Kindergarten and will I have to home school? Will she have to live in my basement when she's grown? Will she meet a man as amazing as her Daddy, have children and a live fully functioning life?
I've cried tears of anger because she's out of control and I haven't slept in weeks months. I’ve called my husband at work, hysterically crying demanding he come home immediately bc I just can't do it today.
I've had days of tears and praying that we can all just survive ’til bedtime. Somewhere down that path, I realized I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of grieving over "my plan," and I needed just let it go. I realized that worrying about Kindergarten isn't going to help me through today.
I puked in hot yoga and realized - not only is my mind suffering - my body is suffering. I’d literally cried and worried myself sick to the point of severe stomach ulcers & an ER trip for my 30th birthday. Stress & worry - it doesn't help.
I've realized that all I have is this moment, this very moment I'm living right now - so I may as well enjoy it the best I can.
My plan - God laughed. He didn't give me what I was expecting, or what I signed up for. He gave me what I needed. He's working on our team, even when it doesn't feel like it. I have to trust that His plan is way better than mine. It is. - a whole lotta Jesus
When that seems to be failing, I can seek solace in coffee dates & life chats. - girlfriends
When I feel like I'm epically messing up this whole "Mom" thing, I remember: I'm doing my best. That's all I can do. "I am enough." - yoga
If all else fails, a strong whiskey sour will help me get to sleep at night. - Jack Daniels
If I had a few too many, and I'm having a hard time waking up: - Coffee
Repeat.
Let go. Let it be. This moment is the only one I have. Stop worrying about the “what-if's" and enjoy her at every chance.
Focus on the good.
You haven’t let me brush your hair in a week…but you're wearing clothes! AND you ate food! Actual food, not milk. It was Cheetos, but hey! Winning!
I still cry. A lot. Something about squeezing out a tiny human made me have feelings and emotions and it's weird.
These days, it's happy tears because she used a 5 word utterance. She can communicate now, and we can understand most of it. She can say want she wants, needs, or feels. What else does she need to say? She's not non-verbal anymore.
She took an intelligence-type test with pictures, & starting getting the questions wrong…somewhere around the first grade level. She was 2 at the time.
I cry tears of joy because she's so so very smart. She remembers stuff from two summers ago. From a year and a half ago. Her memory is unreal.
I cried in Kohl's when she demanded "Hessa shoes!!" (Elsa) They were ridiculous, impractical with a small high-heel, made of that cheap hard plastic that makes feet smell God awful…but, we talked! About shoes! A year and a half ago I left a department store in tears over her in-ability to talk to me about stupid stuff like shoes.
And you know what?
I bought her those ridiculous smelly Elsa shoes and she wears them every damn day. I would've bought her ten pairs if she wanted. And they're not stupid. Those shoes are everything for no reason other than she was able to ask me for them.
She's the sweetest little slice of heaven, and when she's not - she does that pretty hard-core, too. She is strong willed and does things her way, and that's a good thing.
I cry from laughing so hard over the funny stuff, like when she totally raged at the company picnic and it.was.epic.
We still laugh so hard we cry over the time she knocked out her Daddy's front tooth. If you're looking for a quick yet hysterical way to drop like, 3 grand, just call my kid.
When her friends are over, she tells them to wait…so she can go inside to the snack drawer in the fridge and serve everyone juice boxes and Go-Gurt.
She's so sweet and caring it brings tears to my eyes. We say it to each other all the time: she's so amazing.
She's made me a better person, and if you know her well she's done the same to you, too. It doesn't matter what kind of day you're having, she can make you smile.
Somewhere down this journey, it hit me. I made it. I actually started enjoying this crazy life. It took me a year and a half, but I finally found my groove.
My husband told me I should take "what I signed up for," write it down on a piece of paper and burn it. I mentally did that & it was beautiful. I'm finally enjoying being a stay at home Mom. As is. Sleepless nights, chaos and craziness and all.
A few weeks ago it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and I almost cried. I'm doing it! Look at me!
What is happening?!
I'm lunching with girlfriends, and my child is on the playground happily playing with her friends.
Holy crap.
We made it.
