A Small Victory!

My little girl. My hilarious little nudist. She has so many emotions. Like this one:

I won't let her lick raw chicken

My sweet, smart, silly, random, hot mess who fell asleep tonight on Ruby Sue's giant teddy...buck naked...with a bottle of Parmesan cheese. I'm not kidding. I can't make this stuff up.

Sis loves her some parm cheese

My bundle of energy, bundle of joy, tomboy, dinosaur-loving little angel.

She scares us to death.

I worry about her non-stop. I worried about her when I was pregnant, as a newborn, and now and forever. All the normal Mom worries, but times 100. Because I'm not a normal Mom, I'm an "a word" Mom. I worry about right now, tomorrow, and kindergarten, and adulthood. Even when I'm sleeping - its with one eye open. If I could function on no sleep and it were healthy for my marriage, she would sleep in the middle of us, in our bed from now until I die. This job is from wake-up til bedtime. If she decides to sleep, that is. There is never a moment "off." It's non-stop.

Oh, yah. It's because of that whole safety thing.

I can't possibly get anyone to grasp the importance of what happened today without some background info. Stay with me. Or don't and stop reading now. Whatever. It's going to be a long one. 

This thing is 100% therapy for me. And it's cheaper than real therapy, so for now - writing stuff down just helps. If no one reads, it's totally fine.

<<disclaimer:>> we're good parents. We watch our child the best we can. Despite all the due diligence in the world - my sweet little girl is fast. and sneaky. and fearless. and too smart for her own good. She's also easily distracted and a bit of a wanderlust.

In warm weather months, my house is cat nip for neighborhood kids. I have a cute little toddler and a big puppy, and the neighbor kids seem to flock over to my house. I love it. Dirty feet and popsicle sticky and laughter bouncing off the interior walls - its pure joy and childhood innocence and I love it! The neighbor kids are always welcome at my home. If they're at my house I know they're safe and fed. And it's good for Elsie. I love it. I love our neighborhood.

One early summer Saturday afternoon, I went out to run errands. Ben put Elsie down for a nap. All is quiet in the Wood house and Ben takes the opportunity to go potty alone. When he comes out, the house is still quiet. He doesn't dare go upstairs and risk waking the cracken. (A nickname coined by her Uncle Matt when she was little. Ha!)

Sometime later, two neighborhood girls knock on our patio door. One holding the collar of a giant, strong Saint Bernard puppy. The other holding Elsie's hand. "Ummm....did you know Elsie and Ruby were outside??" A few houses over, playing in a neighbor's front yard about 400 yards away. Alone. "NO!! I thought she was taking a nap!! THANK YOU!!!"

Our fast, sneaky, too smart for her own good little girl figured out how to open the back door. At the time, it was secured by a handle latch and a safety bar that stretches across the middle of the door, keeping it from opening. She pulled up a chair, climbed up to open the bar, flipped the latch, went outside, and shut the door behind her. !!!!!!!!!!

Thank God. Thank God for those little girls, whose Dad happens to work at the same company as Ben, and our enormous puppy. Elsie and Ruby knew those girls. Thank God. What would of happened if they didn't? A million awful what-ifs that didn't happen. Thank God for those girls.

Thank God for our enormous puppy. Though she was just a baby, those guarding instincts kicked in and she followed Elsie and stayed with her. She'd much rather run laps around the neighborhood. She didn't. All the Saint Bernard messes - potty training and muddy paw prints and hair and drool - they're worth it and then some. There is no doubt in my mind Ruby Sue quite possibly saved my daughter's life. After all the HOLY COW wore off, we laughed about it and moved on.

Then, its 4th of July. We join our neighbors for a fire pit in their back yard (which borders ours). The adults are sitting around a fire and the kids are on a play set maybe 200 feet away. We're watching Elsie, then I don't see her. I yell "where's Elsie?"

<edit: I originally said 200 yards, I meant 200 FEET!! I'd never let her play that far away....late night math ;) >

"She's running through that front yard!"  Ben sprints in her direction. By the time he catches up with her, she's run through a backyard, a front yard, ACROSS THE STREET, and into another yard. She saw something shiny and bolted. The across-the-street neighbors have a fire pit in their yard with a large group of people. One of the home-owners happens to be a cop. nice.

We decide we should take some extra safety precautions. Meaning, we put safety handles on all of our doors and move on. We watch her like a hawk. But, she's so fast. and sneaky. and too smart for her own good.

Fast forward to Labor Day. My Dad's in town. I'm feeling brave. While the boys are fishing, I decide to go shopping. I only intended to hit up half off day at Goodwill for crafty treasures, but I somehow made it to Nordstrom Rack instead. I saw the sale sign. The entire trip is worthy of it's own post. It's full of distractions and re-direction, sadness and tears and tantrums and one over-the-top meltdown. Elsie is on a level 100 meltdown. It's a  Mommy's lying on top of her restraining her in the back of the shoe department while we're both crying (AGAIN) type of shopping trip. She calms down and I get up. I blink. She's GONE. My fast, sneaky, too smart for her own good little girl had enough and she bolted. QUICKLY. and hid. "A word" kids like to hide when they're overwhelmed. I look. and look. and look. She's nowhere. A big department store on a busy street and she's gone.

For the first and only time in my entire life, I heard the voice of God. He told me what to do and I listened. It was a pretty life changing event, actually. I found her. Finally. I have no idea how much time has passed, but it's too much. The most terrifying moments of my entire life. ever.

At this point, we're thinking there's more to the story than a few scary incidents. We'll figure out something later. We've not had a chance to talk about it, really. For that day, Ben calms me down and we spend the rest of the evening enjoying time with my Dad....til that night.

Elsie's had night terrors for as long as I can remember. She had one two nights ago. They're awful. She wakes up terrified, screaming, crying, and she's just "not there."

That same night, Labor Day, Ben jumped out of bed and flew downstairs. The man sleeps hard - he can sleep with Elsie screaming in his face and jumping on him. That night he heard her. Downstairs. Trying to break off the safety handles to open the door to the garage to LEAVE OUR HOUSE. In the middle of the night. She's sleepwalking. Oh, nice. That's new.

Yet again, in the same day - there's no way to describe it other than God kept our baby safe. AGAIN. 

I had stayed up late that night and before going to bed, I decided to double check the house. The big garage door was open. OPEN! As in, if you're in my garage there's no barrier between you and the street. Not even a month before, we had put on safety handles. What if we hadn't put on the handles? What if I hadn't double checked the house? What if she'd gotten out? In the middle of the night? What if she'd gotten in the neighbor's pond? Or walked to the city park? Through the woods? A million what-ifs that thankfully didn't happen.        

We're terrified. My Dad is concerned. So is my Mom, half a country away.

The next day my Dad took me to the hardware store for third or fourth locks, for all our doors. Locks we can install high that she can't reach. For now. Then, he helped Ben install all of them and Elsie-proof our doors.

My Mom does a ton of research and sends me a link to a website about "a word" safety. We learn about autistic kids' propensity to wander (yep! that's our kid!). A lot of scary things can and have happened to many autistic children who have wandered off or bolted, or saw a shiny object and disappeared. Despite all the due diligence in the world, these kids are quick and smart. We learn some things we can do to help her stay safe. This is serious. We're terrified. Wandering, sleepwalking, night terrors...just what we needed, right?

As recommended, we called the police department and talked to them about our little girl. Then, we put this flier in the mailboxes of half our neighborhood. Any home whose yard or street borders ours....they got this flier.

 

Y'all, please let me tell you how hard that was. We had to ask half our neighborhood for help. We had to. I was terrified. What if they think we're terrible parents? What if they judge us? or her? What is this comes back to haunt her in middle school? The humility of having to ask half your neighborhood for help is a real kick in the gut. We had to do it.

Also, on the to-do list: door alarms, a privacy fence, a GPS bracelet, etc, etc...It's all on the list. Little by little we're getting it done but autism is f'ing expensive and we're doing it one thing at a time.

We, I, also want to take her on a field trip to the police station. I'm probably going crazy over the top but I don't want to be in a what-if situation. ever. I want them to have current photos, contact info, fingerprints, and DNA samples. just in case. IF she ever goes missing, I want them to go out and look ASAP. I don't want to waste time with paperwork. What if. The "what ifs" keeps me up at night.

***finally** enough background info for the real reason for this post. VICTORY!!!!

People in our neighborhood drive way too fast. With everything our family is going through, nothing we can possibly do is enough. When it comes to the safety of our child, our special needs child, nothing is ever enough.

for-e-verrrr ago Ben contacted the city about getting signs for our neighborhood bc people drive like jerks. way too fast. We can't enjoy our front yard. What if she escapes without us noticing? Glaring lights and a honking horn can't escape Elsie from her world. People need to slow down.

Dozens of calls and emails, and we can't seem to get a response. My husband, the best Dad in the Universe, is not letting this go. He took it all the way to the Mayor. He's persistent, and probably a little annoying. We want a sign. We need a sign. They agree, but they're all blah blah I don't know when, city budgets, blah blah, you may have to pay for it blah. My in-laws generously agreed to pay for them. Anything to help keep our princess safe. We told the city we didn't care what we had to do. Anything. Then never heard anything else about it.

Months later, today, on the way home, it was there! Random surprise! Woooo HOOOOO!! Wood fam for the win!!!

BOOM!!!! That's our house!

Small victories. Whatever it takes. There are two, one by our house and one a few houses down. YAY DADDY!!! Y'all, he's done everything from petitioning for road signs, to emailing our congresspeople about funding for Autism treatment and research. He is simply amazing. These signs certainly won't solve all Wood family safety issues, but it's a drop in the bucket for our peace of mind and we're ecstatic. YAY DADDY!

I've written a novel, and if you're still with me...can I ask a favor? Will you PLEASE say some prayers for us?

If you don't need to know why, then just do it. If  you're curious, click here: A Little Help From My Friends

Little Help From My Friends

I need help. Not even gonna pretend like we have everything 100% under control. We need help. Right now, via prayers for the mountain of paperwork we mailed today. Unless you wanna come over and babysit, I'll take that too. :)

There are a lot of if/then/maybes involved, but we are really hoping everything works out.

We just got a social worker. There's so much help out there we're just now finding out about.

As of now, our family is not eligible for Medical Assistance (MA). BUT, there's a program called TEFRA, for special needs children and families. Basically, IF Elsie is approved and all the exemptions go through, we can purchase a secondary MA/TEFRA insurance policy for a monthly parental fee, at a very discounted rate, via sliding scale.

This is HUGE because, Autism is really stinking expensive.  Our private insurance is not super duper amazing, and they're picky about what Autism treatments they feel like helping with and/or feel are necessary. And our deductible is just dumb.

TEFRA, (MA), is HUGE because state insurance covers ALL Autism treatment. A new bill just passed. So, if ,if and if, we could have all the overages of all Elsie's care covered through her secondary insurance. Funny, how you feel a little different about Obamacare when it may affect your own family.

IF Elsie is approved, and IF the parental fee makes sense, we can MAYBE use some of those state dollars for some help around here. We MIGHT be able to get a PCA to spend an allotted number of weekly hours working with Elsie, or a housekeeper, or a teacher to continue working with her in our home. Or, we can hire our own personal care team to work with her for however many weekly hours we are approved. SWEET!!!! She's already been PCA approved, but we can't use those services unless we get all the MA exemptions and get approved for TEFRA. It's all very confusing and backwards.

We've also just learned of two different grants. Again, IF we are approved, IF the exceptions go through, and IF there's enough dollars left in the state/county budget, we MIGHT be approved for a grant.

This is HUGE because those grant dollars can be used for adaptive equipment, respite, or home safety items. Home safety items like a privacy fence, home security system, or a GPS bracelet that she isn't able to remove.

if/then/maybe/might.....all this COULD work out. In the meantime, please say some prayers that we're on the road to getting some help keeping our sweet angel safe!

It's a Beautiful World

This has been, hands down, one of the best weeks my girl and I have had in a while. Funny, because last week was one of the worst I can remember. You just never know which Elsie you're gonna get. This week, my sweet girl is back. Thank God for routine.

I have to remember, her "bad behavior" isn't bad behavior. It's frustration, stress and exhaustion bundled up into a nonverbal little almost three year old body. She's not able to say - Mom, we're out of our routine, we're missing appointments because we're taking turns being sick, the holidays are happening and my oh so crucial routine is out of whack and it's messing me up.  It's stressing me out. How else is she supposed to let me know? Her actions are her only way of expressing herself. I have to remember that.

Much too often, I try to force her into my world. 

Hurrry up, honey, it's just going to be a quick trip

Elsie, please keep your hands to yourself. That might break.

That floor is dirty, get up please.

Yes, that is pretty but we have to go now

Don't lick that!!

This week it finally registered. I have to stop forcing her into a world she doesn't want to be in. This week, I instead joined hers. 

Two "quick" errands = 5 hours. But we did it. Without incident.

The first was a grocery store. Through trial and lots of error, I've finally found one grocery store she can handle.

We get to the display of babies, her favorite part of this trip. She knows at least one is coming home with us. She unloads duplicates of all her favorites, and lines them in perfect little rows. This time, I don't rush her along. Rather, I sit down and help her. We play. This one's an elephant. Wow, you have four kitties! One, two, three, four. I hear "OO OO!" Yes! You're right! A monkey!! 

We're having fun. We're taking up half the aisle of the grocery store, sitting on the dirty floor playing with babies that aren't ours. And we're having fun. And I don't even care. I don't notice any ugly looks or huffs or comments, because Elsie's let me into her world. And in her world, those don't exist. When she decides she's finished, up we go and continue our shopping.

A similar story plays out when we get to the display of cars. "car car car car car car." Hey, look a police car. Oohhh, a mail truck - thats what the box man drives. Yep, thats a bus! ( as she's signing bus! amazing!) Neato! A tractor! That's what the farmers drive.

In the middle of our playing, a man came up and complimented her. From him, it meant double. He was the leader of a group of special needs adults volunteering at the store. He told me that she'd made their day, and they couldn't stop talking about her and how cute and smiley she was. We'd encountered the group a few times during this trip, and he said each time they would just light up and couldn't stop talking about how she's so precious and full of joy. 

The best part of our day was the next stop. A similar scene, yet again, at another store. All I need is a phone charger. We're there for an hour. Elsie's world knows no time but her own. Amongst other distractions, she found a Frozen microphone that sings Let it Go. She sings "let go let go let go," throughout the entire store, in full performer mode. Arms in the air, holding hte microphone high, singing in her best Princess Elsa voice. I'm dying to get a good video. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. She is such a performer. 

 

All this in just one day. 

How many of these precious, beautiful moments have I missed out on?

In rushing her from place to place, I'm not allowing her to be her. These sweet, hilarious moments aren't happening because I'm not allowing them. All I'm doing is stressing her out. 

I get it now. 

Hurry, rush, stress, appointments, schedules

Why would she want to live in my world when hers is so much better? 

Her world is carefree, and simple, and happy. In all the things I've taught her, she could teach me a thing or two. Enjoyment in all the simple things. The magic of a train roaring by, the beauty of watching the birds, the fun in being yourself and not caring, or even noticing, what others think of it. 

I can just imagine her sweet little voice: Slow down, Mommy. Life is so beautiful and fun, you just need to slow down so you can see it. 

Stop worrying. Stop hurrying. Slow down and live in the moment. 

I teach her as much as I possibly can. We have a teacher that teaches me how to teach her. Yet, this little girl teaches me every day. It reminds me of a verse my Mom had hanging in our bathroom. Perhaps there is a reason I saw it every day for almost 18 years. 

Touch us gently, time

We've not proud nor soaring wings

Our ambition, our content

lies in simple things

That pretty much sums up my baby girl.

In her almost three years, she has it all figured out. She didn't like our world so she's created her own. If you're willing to join her, she'll show you how wonderful it is. I've seen it, and trust me - it's much better there. :)

You'll Never Be Bored Again

At the end of my pregnancy when I was on bedrest, I whined to the OB that I was stir crazy and bored. 

Her exact words? 

"You'll never be bored again."

Boy, was she right.

The most incredible, amazing little girl God ever created keeps me on my toes. There is never a dull moment. I am NEVER bored. Or well rested. :)

She likes animals, especially frogs

She likes her playhouse

She likes playing with the neighbor girls

She likes to dance

She likes music

She likes to hold her arms way up high to feel the wind against her skin

She likes chasing birds 

She likes when I make her bracelets out of dandelions

She likes lying on the grass and watching the clouds

She likes people

She likes helping Mommy cook

She likes ticking Daddy's belly

She likes getting her nails painted

She likes painting Daddy's toenails :)

She is full of energy, so much her little body wants to explode when it's not moving

She sparkles, she leaves a little trail of sparkle everywhere she goes

She is super fun

She is silly

She is loving and kind

She is polite

She is friendly

She is beautiful in every imaginable way

She is incredibly smart

She is a free spirit

She is independent

She is strong-willed

She is her own person, unapologetically

She is also autistic.

I preface that sentence with so many positive things about her. She is an enormous personality in a tiny little body, and autism is only a small part of who she is. 

I've long been struggling with how much I share and with whom. Eventually, I'll probably make this page more private. When she's in middle school I don't want her classmates finding this. Or anyone who can hurt us, really. My hands are shaking a little as I type. I have always been private, and I struggle with talking about a lot of things. 

But for now, here I am.

Completely naked.

My hope is that for people in our lives - maybe you'll learn something that can help you understand us, or how to interact with her. Maybe you have an idea or something we haven't thought of. Long gone are the days of parenting advice ticking me off. I know how to take care of kids. I don't know how to raise an autistic child. I'm totally winging it. Maybe you know something I don't. Maybe you have a resource I don't know about. Maybe you'll offer nice words of encouragement. (please do!) Maybe you realize, hey, I'm crazy busy, but she could use my support. Maybe you find a second out of your day for a simple, How's Elsie? Or maybe even, how are YOU? Aren't we a village, anyway?

For the rest of the people reading - yes, you, chick I went to high school with and haven't seen in ten years - maybe for her progress, her safety, and for our sanity, you'll send us a few prayers or positive vibes or good mojo juice, or whatever it is you do. We'll take it. 

Maybe you learn something. Maybe, next time you're in public and a kid is absolutely losing their mind melting down and their Mom is doing her best to calm her child, keep her composure and not start crying, too, when she really just wants to hide under a rock...maybe, just maybe, you'll offer a genuine smile, or an it's okay, Momma, we've all been there. Or maybe you'll think to yourself, I have no idea what they're going through, so I'll just be nice and go about my business. Isn't being nice so much easier, anyway?? You don't know if the child is having issues, or if they're "normal."

Ew, normal. 

Here's what's important: pay attention, Grandmas, read it over and over if you have to

No, our child isn't "normal." Yes, she's "different." But we're okay. She'll be fine. We'll be fine. 

The terms "nornal" and "different" make me cringe. Necessary evil, sometimes, I guess. Especially when referring to special needs children. Aren't we all different? Some people are tall, short, blonde, brunette. Some people have pretty feet and some people have those icky Katie Holmes hammer toes. Some people are quiet, some are loud. Aren't we all different?

What is normal, anyway?

Normal is for boring people.

I can promise you, we will never be bored again.

-LJ

Elsie is two re-do

....was a few weeks ago. whatever.

Ben took the day off and we had the best day, ever! We took Elsie swimming at one of the community centers. For you GA people who don't know what those are - it's sorta like the Y. I've been a few times with a friend and her son, but it was Ben's first time. We had a blast - so much better than her actual birthday!

I love the look on her face. She saw the pool and there's not a spare moment for pictures

She's so beautiful

The few times I've been, Ben always asks if I got any pictures. I then look at him like he's lost his mind - I'm way too busy to take pics! My hands are 500% full when we go here. Elsie is fearless. And incredibly fast. Major kudos to the Moms there with, like, 4 kids. Luckily, this time we had two adults per one Elsie and I got a few. I also got some really cute videos but uploading them will take more time than what I have right now. Blogger, please make it more difficult to add videos. Seriously.

til next time, 

LJ

I married the man who:

I married the man who:

took the time to tear down the wall and get to know the real me

still tells me I'm beautiful

gladly samples all my kitchen experiments - they aren't all homeruns!

thinks its cute that I do old lady stuff like gardening and sewing

does everything in his power to help me with Elsie, and knows when I need a break

understands that it's hard living so far away from "home," and does everything he can to send me there as much as possible

doesn't care if the house is a wreck because he knows that usually means me and Elsie had fun playing all day

gladly turned the AmEx back on when I shopped so much they thought the charges were fraudulent and turned it off

works tirelessly to enable me to be at home with Elsie

kisses me goodbye every morning - unless I'm snoring, because that means I'm worn out and he doesn't want to risk waking me

is the most amazing father imaginable

loves animals as much as I do

still gives me forehead kisses

loves me unconditionally, even when I'm being a brat

makes hard decisions for our family, like saving our cat when the vet bill was almost as much as a mortgage payment

is okay with the fact that said cat now has to eat $40 catfood

still writes me sweet notes

has seen me ugly cry more times than he should have to

tells me he loves and appreciates me, and recognizes how tough my job can be

helps me host parties and dinners, because he knows I love having a house full of loved ones

gladly spent many nights in the guest bed so I could snuggle with the dog instead

knows exactly what I need him to say and when

loves my family

knows that I suck at writing sweet letters but appreciates the effort

cried on our wedding day

always says "yes" when he knows something is important to me

knows that when I'm cooking, he better get the hell out of my kitchen

takes my call when he's at work, even if it's something stupid like me not being able to figure out the coffee grounds to water ratio

was incredibly patient with my pregnancy insomnia crazy

is incredibly patient with me in general

will spend all day out on the boat with me because he knows I enjoy it, even though he's not a "sunshine all day person"

was so amazing in labor and delivery that the nurses told him he could work as a labor coach

will sit in the car with a sleeping baby for an hour because I need to run into a store "really quick"

is my everything and a whole lot more, just as I am his

Happy Valentine's Day to my boo

-LJ

Elsie's Second Birthday

I’m back! More on my blogging hiatus later – maybe.

WARNING: this is long. and sad.

Elsie’s second birthday was, to date, the absolute worst day of my life. I spent the day trying to be happy and celebrate the life of my baby, all while being completely devastated over the loss of another baby. Our beloved dog B, aka Big Mama, went to doggie heaven Tuesday night – it was completely unexpected and all too sudden.

People are asking what happened, and I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. So I’ll tell everyone on here instead.

B and I went full circle in our relationship. I loved her from the day I met her. In Kennesaw, I often got long lunch breaks and I would spend them at Ben’s house, napping with B. We were the best of buddies until shortly after Elsie’s birth. She had a hard time adjusting, and developed a mass cell tumor on her ear. She wouldn't listen, she acted out, she had accidents in the house, and she was pretty much unbearable. We've since learned that the tumor most likely released toxins into her body, which is what caused her to be so crazy.  In turn, I was crazy too. Hormonal exhausted Momma and a naughty dog – I wanted her gone. It took a while to save the money for the procedure, and during that time I did a lot of complaining about B. I didn't make it easy on Ben at all.

We finally got her all fixed up, and she settled into her new role as big sister – she became another Momma to Elsie, so much so we started calling her Big Mama. We were best friends again.  We even worked out our sleeping arrangement which meant Ben, most often, spent the night in the guest bed to accommodate B and I snuggling in our bed. I’m so thankful we made up and got back to normal. Better than normal. B loved me more than anyone in the house, and she was crazy protective of Mom and little sister. I can’t put into words how happy I am that our relationship came around and was better than ever. I know the big sister transition was hard on her and I truly did everything in my power to make sure she knew she was loved. I’m so glad I did. I now realize just how much of my day I spent giving her attention and loving on her.

Everything was perfect with B until shortly after Christmas. I noticed blood in her urine. Thank God for snow, I would've never known anything was wrong. She spent 4 weeks on antibiotics for a bladder infection. Everything was good again. Until around this time last week. I noticed she was a little mopey and lazy, and I thought she just needed a little extra loving, which I gladly gave her. I also thought maybe she was just cooped up, we all are. It’s a long winter. Monday morning I noticed more blood. Tuesday morning I dropped her off at the vet with the assumption we would send off a urine sample to determine the correct meds. She spent all day at the vet, and they found that the problem most likely wasn't her bladder.

Around 6:00 I went in to talk with the vet about what she’d found.  It may be cancer. She wanted to do a full ultrasound so get a better look, and said we would have to come back around 8 to transport B to the emergency clinic for the night. Then, we’d get test results in the morning and determine a course of action. B had started bleeding internally; it’s most likely that during the exams something ruptured that caused the bleeding. We had hopes it would fix itself. Best case it wasn't cancer and there was a surgical procedure that could get her fixed up in the morning.

We went to hang out at Ben’s parents’ house and wait. They were nice enough to help with Elsie so we could go back and transport her to the ER vet alone. There, I got a call from the vet. The ultrasound showed a lot of masses and fluid, I mean a lot. So much so that she couldn't even find B’s kidneys. There’s no way this wasn't cancer. It had rapidly spread and taken over all her insides. With the cancer alone, she would've had a few more days or weeks to live. However, the internal bleeding has worsened and B was very weak and pale. Most likely, she wouldn't have lived through the night. The whole way to the vet Ben and I both knew what we’d have to do, but didn't say it out loud.

When we got there, the vet carried B into the room and she was happy to see us, but she was so weak and pale that she just wasn't there. After seeing her, I know for certain she wouldn't have made it through the night. My heart completely shattered as Ben and I loved on her and said our goodbyes. We made our decision; B had to go to doggie heaven that night. I gave Ben a minute alone with her and talked to the vet. She then agreed that B wouldn't have made it over night. I think she just didn't want to influence our decision. Saying goodbye to B was the hardest thing I've ever done. We love her so dearly, and like all our animals she’s a child to us. I know in my heart she knew what was happening, and she knew it was her time. She couldn't have gone out in a more peaceful way. She was in my lap with her head on my chest, frequent snuggle position and her favorite place to be, while Ben and I pet her and told her we loved her. She went with love and dignity and I know for certain we did what was best for her. I can’t imagine the pain she’d been in. Just a few days before she was playing fetch with Elsie in the house. It must’ve taken a lot of strength for her to play with her baby sister, but I know she wouldn't have had it any other way.

It’s been so hard. I didn't sleep at all that night. I’m used to having her in the bed with me. The next day, Elsie’s birthday, was very emotional. Letting out one dog instead of two, seeing two dog bowls, her empty spot on the couch, trying to take a nap in an empty bed, and the quiet, quiet house – it was just too much. I cried all day. Then Ben got home and we cried together, more than once. I cried this morning when Elsie and I got home from school. Coming home is hard – she always greets us at the door, tail wagging, and so excited I can barely get into the house. For now, I think I am out of tears. Needless to say, a big piece of our family is gone. I’m so happy she had such a good life, she was loved. We already miss her terribly.

So...with all that’s happened, I don’t think Elsie had a great birthday. Her best friend is gone. No cake. No ice cream. No present, even. Ben and I were going to go pick up one together and everything with B happened instead. Thank God she’s only two, and she doesn't know her birthday from the 4th of July. We are having a birthday re-do on Monday, Ben is taking off work and we will spend the day doing something fun and celebrating our girl. My “birthday redo” post will be much happier, I promise!

 To Big Mama, thank you.

til next time,

-LJ